Stability and routine are two of my most favorite things in the world. There is a great comfort in knowing you have a system, that the system works, and that the system will go on working for the foreseeable future. You're in the groove, got it down. The last thing you need is someone coming along and harshing your consistency mellow.
But.
Things change. And when they do, they DO. Things in my life have been in a sort of flux since springtime. It started small, with little things here and there that upset my zen routine and got me flustered. The logical part of my brain (let's not mince words here...that means the whole thing) desperately reached out for the reason. Why did things feel so off? Was I doing anything differently than normal? Was there some spiritual lesson I was supposed to learn? I buckled down and clung to what was familiar and comfortable that much tighter, anxious for things to just get. back. to. normal. Because that's what was SUPPOSED to happen.
This was pretty much the reaction I got.
The thing about life is, it's not meant to be stagnant OR comfortable - especially the Christian life. As many years as I have been on this planet, I still have a lot to learn, and a lot of maturing to do. And the process isn't always going to be zen, uniform, or pleasant. After a few months of things just not feeling right, not working out right, and getting absolutely nowhere trying to reason it out, I decided to just step back from everything and give it all over to God, because the path to certifiable insanity was looking shorter and shorter.
Which, of course, was the first step God was waiting for me to take.
Things are still in that state of flux. The people who frustrate me seem to be working overtime lately. The inconsistencies in the professed beliefs and actions of people I know continue to confound and upset me. People I love continue to be blinded to things I know are going to hurt them in the long run, but am powerless to prevent. I'm still subjected to the stresses of mothering, working, and running a household. The little things still happen, and there's still that feeling of off-ness in general. Change is coming. Nothing I do will stop or slow it.
My saving grace? A deep breath, a reminder that the world will not be saved by me, but by the One who created it, and by answering His invitation. There will always be people who do things to frustrate me. Hypocritical people will always exist, and they're never going to make sense to me. The people I love are free to make their own choices, and will gain what they need to from the experiences they have, both positive and negative. Life goes on. Change happens. The Lord sees all and adjusts minds, attitudes, and experiences as He deems appropriate. This is as it should be.
Keeping this in mind, my daily goal is not to over-think any situations, relationships, or encounters I will have. Rather, I want to focus on enjoying my interactions, not entangling myself intellectually or emotionally when it's not necessary or beneficial. Instead of transcribing the world into perfect little categories and boxes in my mind and becoming agitated when the world doesn't play along, I need to see what life brings my way and roll with it when it doesn't suit my ideology. This is entirely new and a little frightening, but it's a challenge I believe I can meet, with a few mental reminders, and a TON of grace and prayer.
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