Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Losing It

Over the past seven years, I have lost a total of one hundred pounds.  The weight loss came in increments, first significant and jubilant, but eventually became grudging and small.  I'd work for weeks to find a loss of one or two pounds.  It was demoralizing and difficult and not helped by comments I received from people who'd known me for years, telling me I looked "sick" or giving me a hard time about watching what I ate, as if my desire to become more fit and healthy were a flashing beacon pointing to their own struggle with health and weight.  

An effective instrument of torture
 The thing is, I wasn't thrilled about having to work so hard to lose weight.  At first, I tried numerous fad diets, diet pills, whatever promised decent results without exercise.  From early childhood, I've always preferred a good book and solitude to running around outside.  My school memories are filled with being the very last person picked for teams during P.E. because, well, I stunk at any type of physical activity. 

Inevitably, I came to the realization that nothing was going to work for me but a healthy, low calorie diet and regular exercise.  And not just walking around a track, but honest to goodness cardio that made my heart pound and made me sweat:  My own personal definition of Hell.  Even now, after doing it for so many years and making it a part of my daily routine, I still hate exercise with a passion and have to talk myself into actually doing the routine each morning. 

So anyway, after the whole process of weight loss I feel much better about my looks, but have accepted that I'm never going to be satisfied or happy with my physical appearance.  When I look in a mirror, I don't see the weight that's been lost.  I see the lumps and bumps that remain and vow to work that much harder to get them gone.  In photos where the faces are hidden, I don't recognize myself right away.  It's usually after thinking the clothes look familiar that I realize it's me.  You might think that'd be a pleasant surprise, but it's a bit unnerving.  A friend of mine told me "You're skinny, but you still think like a fat girl."  I suppose she's right.  But if it helps keep me grounded, I suppose that's something I can live with.


Jamie said...

You are BEAUTIFUL, inside and outside, before you lost the 100 lbs and after. You are an inspiration for being healthy and strong and working hard to lose the weight that made you feel down on yourself. I wish I had some magic trick to make you feel better about your looks, but any time you need a pep talk just give me a call (or blog about it) and I'll be here to remind you that you are lovely.

Fern said...

You're really sweet. :) I'm totally ok with feeling and looking average, if that makes any sense. It's more that I see myself as a continual work in progress and there's always some work to be done!

Rainbow Bekah said...

Gosh, you are amazing Magic...MAGIC even! LoL As Jamie said you TRULY are beautiful inside and out, and I for one wish I had your endurance and determination to be healthy! And actually I want to add, your not only beautiful.....your just plain one HOT MAMA!! As shown by my attempt at a proposal! ;0) Love you more than my fingers can type!! <3

Fern said...

Aahh! You guys are great. I swear I'm not fishing for compliments! And what you might call endurance and determination, others might call stubbornness and obstinance. In fact, they HAVE called it that. ;)

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