Waaaaahhhh!

A couple of days ago I did something I haven't done in years.  I cried in front of someone - someone besides my husband.



I can hear you now.  "So what's the big deal?  Everybody cries, right?  Who cares if someone sees it?"  Let me tell you, it's a big deal to ME.  In my twisted little brain, crying equals weakness, and you don't show weakness unless you're prepared to have it used against you.  Shoving emotional displays down until they're smooshed into a teensy ball of something that can be filed away for sometime later when I'm alone has become a sort of defense mechanism of mine from childhood.  And there are a million examples I can give you to show how good an idea it was when I was growing up, but that's a topic for another day.  

Suffice it to say, I modeled my EQ (that's emotional intelligence quotient) after this guy:



After a while, the Vulcan in me became second nature.  No irrational outbursts and absolutely no crying in front of people.  That is, until Friday, when I found myself talking about things I really thought I had an emotional handle on.  Out of nowhere, I started getting teary-eyed.  It still frustrates me to think of allowing my exterior to crack like that.  Luckily I was with a dear friend, and she encouraged me to be emotional if I felt like it. 

I feel like I'm going though a lot of personality upheaval lately, and while some of it is welcome change, some of it - like this crying thing - unnerves me.  It's left me not quite sure what to think, but I suppose if change is coming I'd better figure out the best way to adjust to it.  Maybe I'd better stock up on eyeliner and Kleenex...